But hun….you ARE what YOU believe yourself to be, not anyone else. No one can define you, unless you buy into it and let them. I know you know that on some level. I agree with Taoist…..take your time, wait a while, let go of the weird boy persona….anywhere in your being. Live life in the meantime. Try new things. Stretch yourself. And when you do feel strong enough to throw caution to the wind, and track her down for the pure enjoyment of the moment…..with no caring one way or the other what the outcome will be…..that is when to make your move. Good luck grasshopper.

Well, I suppose it’s hard to have that nagging feeling go away completely, but you know what I mean.

I have actually seen Miss V once since my honeymoon with Miss H. It was our ten-year high school reunion. We talked for about two hours straight. Of course, Miss H was with me, our new daughter was in her arms, and I was NOWHERE near divorced…but I got to see her.

Why don’t I call her up right now? I guess a part of me just assumes that she’s happily “with” someone. Someone ELSE.

And a part of me doesn’t want to risk being the fool. I loved her utterly…but I did it silently. I never spoke those words to her, and I certainly never heard them from her.

I am willing to recognize my demons (see my “100 things” post) and confess them…but I’m not quite ready to confront them.

My divorce was utterly crippling for me emotionally. I’m very afraid of finding out my worst fears with her are true…that I’m just that weird boy she grew up with…and knowing that would simply be more than I could take at the moment.

Perhaps someday I will roll the dice. It’s my nature to risk rather than to hold, but I’m not quite ready to play the game yet.

when my dad was 16, he met a girl from another town on a ski trip. he told her he was 18 (because she was) and they had a little high school romance, very innocent. (although he did tattoo “Vickie” on his forearm.)

upon graduation from high school, this girl started talking plans about growing up and getting married. she still did not know he was only sixteen. so what does a mature sixteen year old do?

bails…disappears…leaves her high and dry.

he married my mother when he was nineteen, but always wondered what happened to this other girl, and felt badly about it. he eventually covered the tattoo with a rose bearing the names of his three daughters.

fast forward thirty some years. my mother left him. he was beside himself as he hadn’t been on the market since he was a teenager. he may have been inexperienced, but he was also bold.

this other girl grew up in the milwaukee area, so he got a phone book and started leaving messages with everyone who shared her last name.

a few weeks went by, and he got a call back from her sister. she remembered him as well, so they were able to reconnect a little, and she promised to pass a message on that he was looking for her.

okay, this IS getting long, but keep reading.

girl finally calls him. they talk for hours and hours, catching up. bold father convinces her to let him take her to dinner, no pressure. he drives three hours north to where she lives for agreed upon dinner.

a year later, they were married. her family thinks it is a real-life fairy tale. my dad is her prince. and he now has a new tattoo that says “Victoria.”

so, even though you may think it’s too late…be bold. at least find out what she’s up to. it obviously still means a lot to you, and she may feel the same way.