Prince Charming is Dead

Help me blog-o-sphere…you’re my only hope!

I need some advice.  Let me paint the background of my day a little clearer:  I’m having one of “those” days.  I love my job, I love the place I work, I love the people I work with.  I don’t love not bringing my lunch on the last day before payday.  I’m broke, and I can’t just run to Chili’s or Stanford’s and grab lunch.  Hell, I don’t even think I can afford Taco Bell after buying gas last night.

So I’ve got twelve minutes until a customer conference call which is my first time “flying solo” and while I’m comfortable with it…it’s just a bit nervous for me.  I spent three minutes gathering up all the change I can find in my jacket, desk and pockets and walk to the break room with exactly the sixty-five cents I need to buy a Snickers bar.  Sadly, I press “C3″ instead of “C4″ and end up with a tiny bag of M&Ms.  Not even Peanut M&Ms, just the puny little regular ol’ M&Ms.

Walking away frustrated I forget to grab a Dr. Pepper, so I turn around half way to my desk and walk back into the break room. As I walk up to the pop machine a co-worker steps up to make her selection.  I step back so as to not “crowd” and give her enough room to bend down and retrieve her can of carbonated-caffeinated-liquid-sugary-goodness without having to put her face directly next to my crotch.

As she stands upright I realize it’s Ms. C…now, I’m smart enough to know that you shouldn’t “shit where you live” and I wouldn’t date a co-worker…but if she left the company she’d be pretty much at the top of the list of people I’d like to take out for dinner and drinks.

Sadly, I’m pretty sure I just ruined ANY chance of that.  EVER.

As she rights herself, she makes a small joke about Diet Dr. Pepper and I notice her necklace matches the color of her eyes. I chuckle softly and make some lame response as she walks away.  To make it worse, I realize that I never once made eye contact with her.  Not at all.

I am now the creepy guy who stares at a woman’s chest when he talks to her.  WHICH IS SO NOT ME!  I Swear!

I’d really like to rescue myself from my own boorish behavior, but does it make it better if I walk up later and engage her in conversation while ONLY making eye contact?  Or does that just make me creepy over-intense guy?

I work with this person and respect her; and frankly, being discussed in the lady’s room as “that jerk who never looks up during a conversation” isn’t really something that I EVER want.

So, I ask you, oh great blog-o-sphere, what should I do?  I don’t think a direct apology is in line, “sorry for staring at your chest in the break room” seems more likely to be actionable than helpful.

This is NOT what I wanted to be thinking about before a client call…*slaps forehead*…D’oh!

I didn’t grow up exposed to alcohol.  My parents don’t drink and have only had alcohol of any kind perhaps twice in their lives.  Before my generation, essentially none of my extended family drank at all.

I didn’t really begin to explore alcoholic beverages until late in my twenties.  I find beer passable, but I tend to enjoy sweeter drinks more.  Mike’s hard lemonade or something like that tends to be more appealing most of the time.  I’m pretty new to wine so I’m not a refined judge of that type of alcohol either.  But I do know my hard spirits.  I know them WELL.

And this weekend I discovered my new favorite mixing rum of choice: Stroh 80.

Thank you Zane Lampray and “Three Sheets” on Mojo.

For starters, the 80 in “Stroh 80″ isn’t it’s proof rating as I had first thought.  NO SIR!  That’s the percentage of alcohol.  This stuff is 160 proof!  It burns in open air.  It’s banned from ALL modes of air transport.  It causes blindness if consumed in large quantities.

And it tastes GOOD.

Nothing this strong should drink this easily.  I could take down ten to twelve ounces of this stuff on the rocks without realizing what I was doing.  What’s really frightening is that it mixes so smoothly into basically anything.  If a mix calls for rum, it will be better with Stroh 80.  It will also have a stronger punch than Southern Comfort or Everclear.  Straight Souther Comfort or Everclear.  Rum and Coke (or in my case Stroh 80 and Dr. Pepper) shouldn’t have a stronger proof than straight vodka. Trust me on this.

So here’s my post-Memorial Day review of Stroh 80:  Good but over-powerful.  The mixology equivalent of fishing with dynamite:  It WILL get the job done, but you’ll probably break a few laws and do more damage than intended along the way.

Somewhere between “a long time ago” and “just the other day” I was trying to explain true love to a close friend.  Specifically, how to know if love is “true love” when you don’t trust your own heart to tell the difference.

Now, this conversation was within the context of faith and shared values and I was intentionally using an example that would be familiar to her in that context.  I don’t typically use Biblical examples to make my points, so bear with me.

The Book of Genesis has many important object lessons in it.  It lays the foundation for concepts like sacrifice, honor, faith, trust, the will of God, the nature of God, the nature of man, and the ultimate relationship of the creator to his creations.  But I believe it’s very significant that the very first lesson illustrated in the Bible is the nature of true love.

While the story of Adam and Eve is significant for many reasons, it’s central theme of true, utter and total love is often forgotten in the debates over belly buttons, the nature of knowledge and the role of an external force in personal temptation.

Adam was created as a perfect and wondrous being by God. Ultimately intelligent, ultimately passionate, ultimately aware of his God, his environment and his role in the universe.  And ultimately lonely.

God could have created another being just as he created Adam, made from the very elements of the new Earth, infused with the breath of life straight from God’s own lips…but he didn’t.

God created Eve from the very material of Adam.  Flesh of his flesh, bone of his bone.  A soul made from his own soul.  Eve was the pinnacle of beauty, grace, intelligence, passion and companionship.

We know that Eve chose to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Not because she was sinful, but because she was striving to know as God knew.  The nature and cause of her decision is a subject of much debate.  The nature and cause of Adam’s is not.

Adam knew that Eve had gone against God’s wishes.  Adam also knew God perfectly.  he knew that God could create a new partner for him, just as perfect as Eve, if he refused to do as she had done.  But man wasn’t made to love that way.  Man was made to love utterly, completely and totally.

Adam didn’t have to eat the apple.  Adam chose to eat the apple.  Adam didn’t eat the apple because he wanted to have knowledge of good and evil as God did…Adam ate the apple because he wanted to be one with Eve.  Adam chose Eve over everything else in the universe.

The very first lesson in the Bible isn’t about sin, it’s about true love.  Utter, complete, total love that would sacrifice anything and everything for the soul meant to complete the other.

I believe that is the very nature of Love as God created it.  So deep, so powerful, so all encompassing that the bond between soul and soul trumped all other hands that a universe of possibilities could deal out.

I believe that the test of true love is “would he eat the apple to be with me?”

Or stated differently, “would another soul give up paradise, perfection and eternal life to be with mine?”

Adam didn’t give up a lot by biting the apple, he gave up EVERYTHING but Eve.  By choice.

No matter how you feel about the Bible, wether you believe in it literally, metaphorically or only mythically; the example is powerful.

I believe that there is a heart, a soul, that is worth biting the apple for…that is worth giving all, utterly and completely, to be with.

I believe in True Love, and that’s how I define it.

Doing this twice with no overlap is a CHALLENGE!

1) I went to a private boarding academy for high school.
2) I think referring to high school as “academy” is pretentious at best.
3) I still habitually refer to high school as academy in my mind.
4) I was baptized by immersion at the age of thirteen.
5) I can actually remember the exact moment I tried an “unclean meat” for the first time.  (It was bacon, I was six, and it KICKED ASS)
6) I think the concept of an “unclean meat” is pretty retarded.
7) I have been an ovo-lacto vegetarian for multi-year stretches in my past.
8 ) I like my steaks rare, my ribs medium and my toast dark.
9) I didn’t try sushi/sashimi until I was in my 30s.  Now I’m trying to make up for lost time.
10) I’m from the brewpub capitol of the world.  It’s also the town with the highest per-capita number of strippers and strip clubs in America.  It always surprises me that neither of these facts seem to be particularly related.
11) I prefer brewpubs to strip clubs, and I don’t even care much for beer.
12) I have no moral issues with strip clubs, strippers or any other form of consensual adult entertainment.  If both parties understand the transaction and consent, good for them.
13) I think Hooters is creepy.  They aren’t selling adult entertainment, they’re selling sexual harassment. Pinching, slapping or touching a waitress on the ass is just unacceptable.  A “family” restaurant that peddles that kind of environment is really unacceptable.
14) I think the European sensibilities regarding violence versus sexuality on television make a whole lot more sense then the American ones.  I would rather my six-year-old see a naked person then a dead one any day.  Even IF children do learn from television, I’d rather she learn to value sex over death.
15) I can count the number of women I’ve kissed on two hands.
16) I can count the number of women I’ve been intimate with on one hand.
17) I once had a physical affair with no emotional connection.  I have never regretted anything more than that mistake.
18 ) I once had an emotional affair with no physical contact.  I have never truly regretted it for even one moment.  Ever.
19) I don’t believe either affair was moral or right.  I have learned a great deal from both of them, and can quite honestly say that I would never allow myself to emotionally or physically enter a place where that could happen again.
20) When I was a teenager, I was distressingly “quick to fire” under pressure; I considered thirty seconds to be a “long time” to last.
21) Now I have the opposite problem, I only “fire” about a third of the time after intense effort. I’m more likely to cramp up or become exhausted after more than an hour of exertion.
22) Number 21 scared me enough that I talked to my doctor about it.  After an in depth check-up and my first prostate exam, I was found to be in very good health.  So I’ve started running cross-country again to build up my intense exercise stamina.
23) If 21 and 22 sound like I’m bragging, keep in mind that it’s been more negative on my sex life than positive. It’s very easy for a partner to take that problem personally, no matter what you tell them to the contrary.
24) My sexual ideal lies somewhere on the spectrum between the end of the Keira Knightly “Pride and Prejudice” and Tara Patrick’s “Karma Sutra.”  Yes, it’s a broad range.  No, no sex happens at the end of “Pride and Prejudice”.  If you don’t know who Tara Patrick is, PLEASE don’t google her at work.
25) I knew Tara Patrick “in real life” before she became famous.  I knew her when she was shy, willow-thin and wore braces. I have every reason to believe she is just as nice today as she was then.
26) Milla Jovovich (of Resident Evil, The Fifth Element and other movies) once pushed me off a boat dock and into a frigid lake.  It was about a month before she went to film a Disney Channel movie (“The Night Train to Kathmandu”).  We were eleven or twelve, I knew she had modeled, but I just thought of her as my cousin’s skinny friend.  If she remembers me, and I doubt she does, it will be as the boy who dumped ice cream on her on accident.  It would not be a “happy” memory, so I hope she doesn’t.
27) I was once ridiculed on a major area radio broadcast as “Mr. Potato Head”
28 ) while not related to 27, I was called “Fathead” by my grandfather until I was six or seven years old.
29) I have attended more funerals in my life then weddings.
30) I’ve never been to a funeral where it rained.
31) I’ve been to three weddings where it poured.  At one of them lightning caused a power outage.
32) I have been to a wedding that lasted longer than the marriage (and I don’t mean figuratively, the wedding ceremony lasted more than four hours, the marriage didn’t even last two).
33) I have attended two “gay” weddings.  One for two guys, one for two ladies.
34) I actively believe that two consenting adults should be allowed to get married, regardless of gender.
35) I also have no personal issue if three consenting adults want to get married.  My only concern with polygamy is equal treatment for everyone involved.  Which happens to be my big concern in two person marriages as well…
36) While I am irretrievably straight, I have no qualms with people who aren’t. Or can’t decide.  Or just don’t know.
37) I’ve certainly met gay people who creeped me out…but then I’ve met more straight people who creeped me out.  It works the same as race for me.  I’ve known some black/hispanic/asian people who creeped me out, but I’ve met far more white ones who did.  I don’t think that’s a racial issue or a sexuality issue, just a location issue.  I meet more straight whites, so there’s a better chance that straight whites will annoy me.
38 ) People who either can’t or won’t grasp number 37 annoy me more than anyone. I have no patience for bigots of any stripe.
39) I’m more liberal than most people. Who are democrats. On the far left of the party.
40) If I was president I would federalize Healthcare, Energy Production, Education (both higher and lower) and Transportation with the same level of federal control as we exert over our armed forces.
41) I think Nurses, Doctors and Teachers should be as heavily budgeted as the defense department.  Elder care, cancer research and HIV/AIDS vaccines should have the same scale effort as the moon shot or World War II.
42) I believe that if high school graduates can get money for college by being soldiers, shouldn’t we give them the same level of support for being nurses or teachers?
43) I seriously believe ALL Oil/Natural Gas/Coal/Hydroelectric resources should be federally managed and citizen owned.  Citizens can own the national parks…but not the natural resources?  The cost of a gallon of gas should be ten percent over the cost of production.  Currently that would be somewhere between $1.32 and $1.67 depending on how close you live to the refinery belt.
44) I believe as a nation we should be sponsoring, creating and displaying more art.
45) My favorite artists are Frank Frazetta, Masamune Shirow, Raphael and the masters of the Art Nouveau movement (Aubrey Beardsley, Ivan Bilibin, Alfonse Mucha)
46) I had a subscription to Playboy in college.  I really did read it for the articles.  And the cartoons.
47) I still read Playboy on occasion.  If the cover was more understated I’d still subscribe.
48 ) My favorite cigars are “Playboy by Don Diego” followed closely by “Hemmingway by Arturo Fuente”
49) I prefer either well aged (and port cask finished) Scotch or Knappogue Castle Irish whisky.  On the rocks.
50) I believe that mixing scotch with ANYTHING should be a capital crime.
51) White over Red, Amabile over Secco, Italian over French.
52) Belgian over Swiss, Milk over Dark
53) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t put vegetables in dessert.  Carrot Cake, I’m looking at you.  And the Rhubarb Pie.  But Pumpkin, you get a hall pass.
54) Phad Thai with Tofu and Shrimp.  BEST. MEAL. EVER.
55) Wailua from Kona Brewing Company is the only beer I’ve ever had that made me want another.
56) Most people use Word, Excel and Outlook on the job.  I do 99% of my job in Toad and vi over PuTTY.  If that made sense to you, I’m sorry.
57) I can program in more than a dozen languages.  I do about 99% of my work in SQL, PLSQL and Java.
58 ) I HATE Java.
59) I LOVE coffee.
60) I’ll drink Starbucks under duress when no better option is available.
61) I’ve had Folgers Instant Coffee that was better than Starbucks.
62) I love Chai tea more than any other hot beverage.  With honey.
63) I believe in my heart-of-hearts that Starbucks Frappachinos were developed by a cabal of evil conspirators to enslave mankind under the yoke of obesity.
64) I am honestly afraid of “Mad Cow” disease.  Mostly because I ate burgers in England in the early 90′s.
65) I didn’t know I was at risk until the Red Cross refused to take my blood donation after 9-11.
66) Now I’m paranoid and will only eat ground beef if it was organically grown.
67) Which is ok, because I prefer organically grown products anyway.
68 ) I refuse to eat eggs that aren’t from free range and vegetarian fed chickens.
69) If you think that’s easy, you need to find out more about where your eggs come from.
70) The moment that I truly grasped what Dukkha means was probably the most significant spiritual moment of my life.  I will never be able to watch the end of a Superbowl broadcast the same way again.  (Non-”Fresh Air” listeners won’t understand that at all).
71) I have answered the “Faith” section of government or legal documents with the following answers:  Seventh Day Adventist, Christian, Sometimes, “In science”, Buddhist, and “Not Applicable”
72) I would answer that question with “Zen Christian” today.
73) If I ever returned to organized Christianity it would probably be to Catholicism.  I love the ritual of it.
74) Which is odd because I could probably be an effective protestant minister.
75) I have preached before hundreds of people before.  The experience was slightly more addictive than cigarettes.
76) I would like to get my bachelors in history.  And classical literature.
77) I am currently planning on learning French in the next year and Russian not long after.
78 ) One of my best friends from high school has a “mail order bride” from the Ukraine.
79) I was very skeptical when he first told me how they met.  She is neither mail-order nor money grubbing NOR simpering housewife.  Which just shows my prejudices before I met her.
80) While I wouldn’t advocate it as a method for anyone, I sincerely think their online experience was more honest than match.com or ehamrony.  At least they both knew there were barriers and pitfalls.
81) I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it since meeting her.
82) I’d be lying if I said I thought it would actually work for me.
83) After failing two marriages, and letting my daughter move thousands of miles away, I realized that I am an utter disappointment to my parents.
84) When you come from a very close (and large) family, that’s a hard thing to accept.
85) I am only the third member of my extended family (covering almost 300 people) to get a divorce in the last four generations.  I am the first man to do so.  Both women were being abused.  I don’t have an acceptable reason.
86) Yes, I realize that the logic behind 85 is utter crap, but that doesn’t change the circumstances.
87) When my second marriage began to fail, my family actively began avoiding me.  Not because they were upset with me…because they didn’t know how to interact with me.  I had become so alien to them that they didn’t even know how to speak to me.
88 ) I don’t admit it out loud, but 87 and another event last year almost led me to change my last name and start over.
89) I don’t admit it to anyone but my therapist, but 87 almost cost me my life.  I don’t believe in “gesture of suicide”…if you’re gonna go, use a gun, make it quick.
90) I can also gladly say that I am long past that dark place.  Hopefully never to return.
91) My best female friend is trying to convince me that instead of being the prince that rescues the princess, maybe I should let her find me…let her in and be rescued from my own dragons.  And if not rescued, than at least fight them together, side by side.
92) Deep down inside, I don’t think I deserve to be loved.  I’ve already failed.  I’ve already fallen in battle.
93) That’s the dragon that I can’t seem to fight.  I can’t even see it when I’m battling it.  It’s always hiding in the shadows and burning me in the dark.
94) I am secretly afraid that I am such damaged goods that I will never find my true love.
95) I have never admitted that before. Not even to my therapist.
96) I do not accept a victim mentality, I believe in standing up, dusting off and trying again.
97) I rarely give up.  Which is dangerous when playing poker. It is equally bad when playing blackjack or craps.
98 ) I love to gambol, but I don’t EVER play with money I can’t afford to lose.
99)  I will always throw the dice in life rather than playing it safe.  Always.
100) If life is a game, and love is the answer, and we’re all players…then here’s to hoping the third times the charm?

So, what am I looking for?  I have no idea.  A couple of friends recently pointed out a pattern in my female friends and acquaintances (tall, long hair, glasses…see Joy Wilson for an example) but I’m not really sure I buy into that…that seems like more of a coincidence than an actual pattern. One of the women “in my life” who I honestly thought could have been Mrs. Charming was “short” (under 5′ 0″) with chin length curls and no glasses in sight.

When my friends were pointing out my apparent taste in women, I tried to analyze the last few women I’d found to be noticeably “attractive” and I’ve come to a couple of conclusions.

First of all neither height, hair length or eyewear are common denominators.  Nor is hair color, eye color, bust size, body shape or ethnicity. In fact, I can’t identify any common denominators at all.

Second, I can honestly say that for me personality can be more physically attractive than purely external features.  Sure, there are things that might catch my eye or turn my head, but a woman who shares my interests and I enjoy talking with becomes more physically attractive to me than any girl who is “just a pretty face.”

I realize that might seem obvious to some people, but for a lot of guys that’s a concept that’s simply impossible to grasp.  Several of my friends included.

So here’s how I explain it:  The girl I mentioned above, the one that could have been Mrs. Charming, she’s cute.  By most guy’s standards, I’d imagine that she’s cute and reasonably pretty.  If you’re into tall women or big busts, she’s not gonna be your type, but otherwise she’s certainly attractive.

To me she’s very close to perfect.  Her most attractive feature is the sparkle in her eyes when she laughs. She’s past thirty, she’s no longer “young” and yet she’s so fresh that I forget she’s out of high-school.  Never mind her degree from a prestigious northwest college.

Knowing her makes the shape of her face perfect, the arch of her nose sublime and the color of her lips adorable.  Strangers would see in her a sweet person with an engaging smile; I see in her the potential to be a wonderful mother, a dedicated partner, and an enthusiastic lover.

THAT is what I find to be truly beautiful. And knowing those things enhances her beauty, makes it shine, makes it last in the minds eye long after she’s out of sight. I guess that doesn’t really explain anything.  That’s just the way it works for me.

And it’s not limited just to her.  A lot of the women I find attractive are attractive for many reasons, less then half of them physical.  But the non-physical things enhance the physical.

And after about three hours of discussion with my friends, and quite a few beers (or in my case scotch on the rocks), I can safely say that’s nearly universally true for all guys.

I’m not a fan of the “number grading” system some guys use…in fact I find it more degrading than useful as no two men see a woman at the same place on the scale…but for the purposes of this illustration it will have to do…

Every single guy I know has at least one example of personality changing a 7 to a 10 or a 5 to an 8 or whatever.  At first we were debating if the “personality goggles” effect was the same as the “beer goggles” effect, but the beer goggles come off after a few hours.  The change that personality makes is usually permanent.

This is probably the only thing that really differentiates men from monkeys.  Or dogs.

So my first question is, does it work the same way for women?  What do you look for?  What triggers attraction for you?  Can personality overcome too many cheeseburgers?

I had a close female friend tell me that women are less physically selective.  I’m really not sure I believe this, but then most of my female friends seem to think guys are somewhere between highly and VERY physically selective.  Which is rubbish.

I know for a stone cold FACT that 99% of guys couldn’t tell if a woman gained five pounds if their life depended on it.  We simply aren’t geared to notice.  Or care.

Now, guys ARE pigs.  Even nice guys are pigs sometimes.  Even the most respectful, honorable, decent guy has said to himself “NICE RACK!” when a girl in a bikini walked by.  The difference between decency and depravity is a) not saying it out loud, and b) NOT ACTING ON YOUR BASE URGES. The first is easy, the second always trips up guys at the dumbest moments.

My 10 Simple Commandments of male decency: 
1.) It is only acceptable to whistle at a woman if you know her VERY well and if it won’t offend her. 
2.) Commenting on a woman’s physical attributes is NEVER ok. 
3.) Praising a woman’s physical attributes should be done privately and sincerely.
4.) If you aren’t clear on the difference between 2 and 3, don’t say anything at all.
5.) If she’s uncomfortable, you’ve fucked up.
6.) There is a BIG difference between making her blush and causing her to smile-and-blush.  See 5
7.) Listen more than you talk. As a guy, your mouth will do you in faster than anything else.  If you don’t say it, it can’t be wrong.
8.) If she’s brave enough to share her feelings, have the balls to share yours.
9.) If you figure out how to balance 7 and 8 you are straddling the universal paradox and you should thank God, the Stars and ALL the little angels that you haven’t fucked everything up. Yet.
10.) Even following these commandments will not save you.  You are a man, and you will therefore do something stupid eventually. DO NOT COMPOUND IT by throwing away decency after the fact.

Now, obviously these aren’t going to cover everything.  I do like my friend C’s personal mantra: “When in doubt, keep it in your pants.”  It works for breath mints, cell phones, and lots of other things.

So what am I looking for?  I still don’t know.  But hopefully I’ll remember how to act when I find her.

So, what exactly is this prince’s quest?  Why, to find love of course.  But, as with any quest, it’s far more complicated than that.

First off, let me be very clear, I have already loved deeply and with my whole heart.  She was the beautiful princess from far away and I truly believed that if I loved her enough everything would work out.  Happily Ever After was just about believing hard enough, wanting it bad enough, and letting it happen.

It didn’t happen.

On Valentines’s day I got her chocolate dipped strawberries instead of flowers…and that was the moment she decided that it was over.  It took a lot longer then that (exactly a year in fact), but that was the moment the end began.

To this day, and probably until the day I die, the fact that the connection I believed we had was merely a mirage just shatters my faith in love.  Eleven years of marriage and more than fourteen as a couple…my entire adult life was wrapped up in her.  But I wasn’t worth the effort to keep trying.  “We” weren’t worth the effort to keep trying.

I grew up believing in all the romantic ideals, the fairytale endings, the happily ever afters; I grew up believing that I could be the fairytale prince.  That I could be “Charming” and win the maiden.

The problem with that, is that I wasn’t attracted to the kind of woman that could be “won” like a trophy.  I like intelligence, and creativity, and partnership.  I like to be with a woman and not have a girlfriend/wife/trophy.  It’s that paradox that ultimately undid us.

Now, she is moving to Oklahoma.  She is marrying “Mr. Oklahoma” (we’ll go in to that more when and if I ever feel like explaining the details of our divorce) and I wish her happiness.  True love is hoping that the ones you love are happy, no matter what.

So that lead to the question “do I pine for her?”  And the answer is “no.”

With a couple of years of dirty water swamping the bridge behind us, I can also say that we no longer fit as a couple.  If we woke up tomorrow and decided to try again, it would be a LONG and UPHILL climb.  The people we are in our early thirties are NOT the people we were in our late teens.  And we’re both ok with that.

Which is something we try very hard to communicate to our daughter. She’s seven and she’s moving with her mom to Oklahoma.  I am ok with this, we have worked it out between us, and I’ll explain that decision more as the day she moves gets closer.

So here I am, in my early thirties, I’ve got a daughter who turns seven in just a few days and I’ve been married twice.  Not exactly the profile of Prince Charming.  In fact, it’s pretty safe to say that I am NOT most women’s dream catch.

So as “dating” blogs go, I’d not count on this one much for salacious details.  First, I’m not one for salacious details, and second, I’m not much for dating.

But I do believe my princess is out there.  That is my quest…to find her.

So, what kind of guy decides to call himself “Dead Charming” you ask?  Well, let me introduce myself, for this exercise in reciprocal anonymity I’ll just go by DC.  I’m an Aries born in the year of the Dragon and I don’t put much stock in astrology. (I DO put stock in fortune cookies, those things NEVER lie!)

Why am I writing this?  Well, I was writing another blog and lost my anonymity.  While that might not seem like a bad thing, I found it terminal to my ability to write honestly.  And really, no matter how good the mask is, if you can’t be honest at the core, your writing will suck.

Thankfully, the internet offers an almost infinite palate of different shades of anonymity.  So here I am, starting again from the beginning.

Oddly enough, life is a fluid path and things change far more than I would have ever believed since the last time I started out on a new beginning.  From my faith to my tastes in music/food/clothes to my daily routine, everything is different from just a few months ago.  Sometimes in very small ways, sometimes in HUGE ways, but everything has changed somehow.

While I might re-use some elements of my old blog in the future once I feel safely distant from that persona, so much has changed that I promise that 95% of my content will be “all new” material.

Hopefully, this time around I’ll post consistently.  I won’t promise daily, but I’d like to be close to that.  I travel a lot, and I have plenty of time to write, so I’m going to try to have a bit of a backlog ready to post on those days when I don’t get a chance to string two words together.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with the best fortune cookie message I’ve ever received:

“Never argue with an Idiot.  He will only drag you down to his level and then defeat you with experience.”

I met a princess, I wanted to be her prince, we tried to find happily ever after…

…And I’ve learned some things since then. I’ve learned that riding off into the sunset just means trying to find a place to sleep in the dark. I’ve learned that even the glorious prince makes mistakes, falls down in the mud, and gets lost on his way back to the castle. I’ve learned that a sharp sword cuts the ones you love just as easily as the ones who stand against you.

I’ve also learned that “charming” is essentially an untenable ideal. Besides which, girls may dream about “Prince Charming,” but grown women don’t seem to care anymore.

I spent fifteen years trying to be prince charming, and all it got me was a divorce, child support, and a shattered ego. Then I decided that I wouldn’t give up on romance, and I’d try to be prince charming again…and all that got me was an unwanted second marriage, months of recriminations and disappointments and the realization that I might want to be “charming,“ but somewhere along the journey “Prince Charming” got replaced by his understudy, “Squire Just-Doing-My-Best.”

Prince Charming is dead. His body lies somewhere along the path in an unmarked grave; unmourned, unmissed and unremarkable.

As one prince falls, another must take up his place. And so, here’s to Just-Doing-My-Best. May he succeed where Charming failed. May he find the princess, the light at the end of the tunnel, the castle in the sky, the treasures of his dreams, and the happily-ever-after at the end of his story.

The Prince is Dead! Long Live the Price!